I'm a mess.

       So in just about six weeks I’ll be leaving the civilian life behind and begin my life as a sailor in the United States Navy. I have a million emotions yet I feel numb,I feel as if the numbness is self inflicted to combat the thousands of thoughts running through my head. I can’t tell you much about what I’m feeling because honestly I don’t know my self. ONE  thing is certain I AM SCARED SHITLESS! I am not in the right physical condition for boot camp, my boyfriend could decide distance sucks and dump me while i’m away and I could possibly lose any friend I ever had here in my home city.

     I’m EXCITED for the adventure that awaits, traveling, and becoming a trained medical professional. I am relieved from thoughts that revolved around paying for my college degree and I know I am ensuring a successful future for my self.

     I’ll miss everyone and I hate leaving jason in such a great time of need. I just hope nothign falls to shit when I’m gone I don’t know if i could handle such chaos. I know I’m making the right decision for my self but I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision for Jason and I’s relationship. I love portland, and the life I have here with jasons and his family and my family. However I need change, I need to be confident in my future, I need stability financially and mentally. Those are all things the navy can provide for me. Sure it feels as if I’m signing my life away for a little peace of mind, yet there are other ways the navy will help me. I know it will better me as a person by creating structure and giving me more personal responsibility,a long with the motivation to succeed which I currently lack.  

   I will agree with Jason, joining the navy was an entirely selfish decision that I made, and my family was right I should have told them before signing my life away but feel so much of my life has been spent on trying to make everyone else around me happy and I’m doing this for my self.